Tuesday, October 28, 2008

Housemate's friend...

...At the start of the uni year, back in September time, we had us a little house party, my new housemates and I.

This involved... Well, bugger all people, really. Nobody turned up apart from one of my housemate's brothers, and a few of his mates from home. Turned out nobody had bothered inviting anyone, but anyway.

The guy in question, who shall now be named Chris, as that may have been his name, killed off sixteen cans of Stella and a few pints down the local within three hours, and promptly fell asleep.

Fast forward to that night. After Chris makes an attempt to get into one of my female housemate's beds, along with her and her boyfriend...

My housemate's brother wakes up, to see Chris squatting over a chair and a turd emerging. Not quite believing his eyes, he woke up my housemate.

"Er. Is Chris taking a shit on the chair?"

My housemate looked over.

"Chris, are you taking a shit on the chair?"


"...What the fuck are you doing! Stop it, you dirty bastard."

"At least let me finish."

By that point, he had indeed finished.

Fast forward to... that night, again. A bit later on.

My housemate's brother again wakes up, to find Chris squatting. Over a bin, this time. The kitchen bin, which he had apparently fetched from downstairs for the sole purpose of shitting in. A trip which involves walking past the bathroom.

Again, the brother wakes my housemate up, and they both watch mutely as Chris unleashes the full watery wrath of his innards into the bin.

Fast forward a week or so, as I carry one of our many bin bags around to the front of the house for collection. What's that I spy through the huge rip in the side of one of the bags I'm carrying? Shit coated pot noodle pots? Oh, yes indeed.

The binmen come, and go, and the bag remains.

I depart for uni, and as I leave a nurse from the veterinary surgery next door walks over and starts moving our rubbish to their skip. Did I warn her about the shit filled bag with a big split in the side, just waiting to rip open?

Did I fuck.

I turned my headphones up, but the music wasn't quite loud enough to mask the sound of plastic noodle containers clattering to the ground, and the scream of terror.

Friday, October 17, 2008

The first story my last GF's dad told me

...in an attempt to embarass his lovely daughter in front of her new bloke was how, when somewhat younger, she'd gone into the sea in Greece due to the lack of toilet facilities and had a big dump. She grinned, told me it was very liberating and utterly failed to be embarrased, having warned me earlier this story was coming.

She also finds it very funny to watch the facial expressions of animals - especially her cats - as they release bum-slugs.

Oh, and one night she got food poisoning and simultaneously released liquid bum-sausage into her loo and vomit into her sink - without spilling a drop. That found her some renewed respect, I can tell you, especially as I'm terrified of puke.

Thinking about it, she's a bit too scat-obsessed...

Monday, October 13, 2008

A breath of fresh air?

I was doing the backpacking thing around India when a young 'un, when I happened to catch a severe stomach bug that had me laid up in bed for a while. I was staying in a delapidated old hotel at the time.

Due to a dodgy curry somewhere along the line, the only thing I could do for about 5 days was crawl to the toilet and shit poo juice into the bowl.

One day I started to feel a little better, and attempted a walk down the corridor outside my room. I was doing quite well until I got to the end and realised that I had about 5 seconds until my next unstoppable anal eruption.

I leapt into what appeared to be a cupboard, and - much to my shame - spattered all over the floor.

Feeling much better later that day, I managed to get as far as reception, only to be met with the sight of several perplexed engineers. They had been called to fix the air conditioning. For some reason something foul smelling had got into the system, and an evil smell had dispersed throughout the whole hotel.

Can I take this opportunity to extend my heartfelt apologies to the Jodhpur Inn.